


our destiny, in ourselves

by keptein



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Animals, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 04:55:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8954482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keptein/pseuds/keptein
Summary: Akaashi was probably thinking about how stupid he was for having said yes to this, a day at the zoo when it wasn’t even that warm yet, March air keeping everyone on their toes. But the sun was out and shining, and for a first date, the weather was good. Not that this was a date, Koutarou quickly corrected himself. Just a last hurrah while they were still teammates. A last chance to see each other before it was all over.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [decidueye](https://archiveofourown.org/users/decidueye/gifts).



> _life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards._ \- kierkegaard
> 
> merry christmas, bishop. i know this is a little too early, but i wanted you to have time to read it when i published it. i guess this is kind of a love letter to you, and to akaashi, and to bokuto too. the future is going to be good, i promise.
> 
> thank you to ace for reading over this!

“Akaashi! Look at that monkey, it’s so buff! Do you think if I jumped in there, it would arm wrestle me? Or maybe I could teach it to do volleyball! How cool would that be? Oh, man, I heard that there are gorillas that can like, speak to you and stuff in sign language, do you think they have one of those here? I don't know how to speak sign language, though. Wait, is there only one sign language?”

“No,” said Akaashi, standing next to Koutarou and staring at the massive monkey cages. He was pinching the bridge of his nose. “No, there's more than one sign language.”

“Really!” Koutarou exclaimed loudly. His palms were sweaty and he wasn't completely sure what he was saying, only that he needed to keep talking to keep any awkward silence at bay. “How many? Is it just English and Japanese? Or is it one for each continent, maybe? Why isn't there just one, anyway? That seems so unnecessary. I wish there was only one language, then I wouldn't have to learn anything else and I could speak Japanese everywhere.”

“Unfortunate,” Akaashi said. He looked bored, or nauseous, Koutarou couldn't tell, but both of them were bad. He was probably thinking about how stupid he was for having said yes to this, a day at the zoo when it wasn’t even that warm yet, March air keeping everyone on their toes. But the sun was out and shining, and for a first date, the weather was good. Not that this was a date - just a last hurrah while they were still teammates. “I don't know.”

“I don't know either,” Koutarou said helpfully. He didn't know what they were talking about anymore. “Hey, look at the smaller monkeys over there! What are they doing?”

They wandered over to the cage, Koutarou leaning as far forward as he could to squint at the monkeys hidden in the trees. “Grooming each other, I think,” Akaashi said, a hand over his eyes to cover them from the sun. Koutarou wanted to buy him a wide-brimmed sun hat, the kind that American models used, but he hadn't even remembered to bring his sunglasses, so he probably would've forgotten a big hat.

“Grooming each other? Like picking off lice and stuff? That's so cool,” Koutarou said. _Please stop talking about lice,_ his brain shouted at him. “I'd pick lice off you if we were monkeys, Akaashi.”

Akaashi paused. “That's sweet,” he said finally. You're a fucking idiot, Koutarou told himself. “I would too.”

“Really!?”

“It's my duty as your kouhai and vice-captain,” Akaashi said.

“Oh,” Koutarou said. Akaashi’s hand was resting on the railing, brown and inviting. Koutarou desperately wanted to hold it. “So we'd still be on the same team? Even if we were monkeys?”

“I imagine so. I can't think of a world where you don't play volleyball, Bokuto-san.”

“Me neither. And you'd play with me?”

Akaashi nodded. He was smiling, or maybe just grimacing against the sun, but Koutarou still smiled brightly back.

“What about an ice cream? I'll pay for it! And then we can go to the bird of prey part!”

“That sounds like a good plan,” Akaashi said, and followed Koutarou to an ice cream stand between sections of the zoo. They'd covered a lot of it by now, even though Koutarou could barely remember half of it, because his heart was still pounding and Akaashi was _here,_ with _him,_ on what could maybe probably be considered a _date,_ and that was way more exciting than any animal Koutarou could think of.

After some minutes in line, Koutarou bought two ice creams - chocolate and strawberry for himself, and chocolate and mint for Akaashi. “It's nice that we both picked chocolate,” he found himself saying in between licks of his ice cream. “Means we have stuff in common!”

“Hm?” Akaashi said, seeming distracted, before he met Koutarou’s eyes. “Ah… yeah. It's pretty common to like chocolate, though.”

Koutarou slumped. “I guess,” he said. “You're right.”

Akaashi looked at him, and bumped their shoulders together for a moment before moving away again. “Do you like mint?”

“Yes,” Koutarou said. Akaashi's mouth probably tasted like mint right now. It would be a delicious kiss.

“And I like strawberry,” Akaashi said, oblivious to Koutarou’s obscene thoughts. “And strawberry and mint is an excellent combination. So even if our favourites aren't the same, they're great together.”

Koutarou blinked and grinned, almost bouncing with glee. “Like us!”

“Like us,” Akaashi allowed, smiling back.

He was so cute that it almost blinded Koutarou. “You don't smile often enough,” he said, but he said it mostly into his ice cream, and it came out a confused jumble of words and chocolate.

“Sorry?”

“This is delicious!” Koutarou said. “Let's go look at the owls!”

“There are going to be other birds too,” Akaashi said, following Koutarou along the path to the bird of prey centre. It was located on the outskirts of the zoo, and Koutarou could see the forest that surrounded it, with trees high overhead.

“The owls are the best! How many do you think they have? Three? Four?”

“Probably more than four,” Akaashi said. He was smiling again, and Koutarou grinned back as he finished his ice cream. “Let me pay for your ticket, Bokuto-san.”

“What? No! I'm - this was all my - this is - I'm paying!”

“You've bought everything so far,” Akaashi said, moving up to the till and pulling his wallet out. “I don't want you to go broke because of me.”

“Akaashi…!” Koutarou followed, aghast. “I'm your elder and everything! I would gladly go broke - even broke broke - because of you!”

“That's weird,” Akaashi said over his shoulder, paying for two entrance tickets to the centre. “And I'd rather you didn't. I want to do this again, after all.”

Koutarou stumbled on air and looked at him, eyes bright and hopeful. “Really?” he said.

“Really,” Akaashi said, face scrunching up a little. “Now let's go see some owls.”

*

“What’s your favourite kind of owl?” Koutarou asked a moment later, while they waited to be let into the centre.

“I don’t know,” Akaashi said. “I don’t know many different kinds of owls.”

“I do!” Koutarou said. “There’s the great horned owl, and the snowy owl, and the little owl -”

“Let’s see what kinds they have first,” Akaashi interrupted him. “I’ll remember them better if I know what they look like. And I’ll tell you which kind is my favourite at the end.”

“But what if they don’t have the best kinds!” Koutarou cried. “Like the really big ones! They’re so cool, Akaashi!”

“I’m sure they will,” Akaashi said calmly. “Come on, let’s have a look.”

Without Koutarou noticing, they had both been led through the entrance and were currently standing in the crossroads of three alleyways. There was no roof overhead, and the cages lining the alleys were massive, almost more like cells. “Whoa,” Koutarou let out, running over to where a great grey owl was in her cage. She was napping on a branch. Her big, moonlike face was serene, even as Koutarou tried hooting at her to wake her up.

“Let it sleep,” Akaashi said, gently reprimanding him. “It’s daytime, and it’s probably nocturnal.”

“But I wanna see her eyes,” Koutarou whined, “their eyes are so cool, right?” He turned to see if Akaashi agreed, but Akaashi was busy reading the plaque next to the railing, on the side of the cage.

“There will be other awake ones,” he said when he noticed Koutarou looking at him. “Sorry, I was reading.”

“Is it interesting?”

“Yeah,” Akaashi said, “they have some information about where they’re from.” He started to move down the alley. Koutarou tried to do that too, but he only ended up as far as the next cage.

“Look at this one! Whoa, she’s _beautiful.”_ Koutarou smiled widely at the reddish owl inside the cage. It held his gaze for a moment, blinked, and then looked away. “And she looked right at me! Akaashi!”

“Its name is Ota,” Akaashi read from the plaque. “And it’s a he.”

“Oh,” Koutarou said. “Well, _he’s_ still super pretty. What kind is he?” He moved over to read the plaque, and in the process he bumped Akaashi’s shoulder with his own. Akaashi moved away a little.

“Ah - uh, it’s a Madagascar Red Owl,” Akaashi said. “From Madagascar, off the coast of Africa. It doesn’t say how it got here.”

“That’s pretty far away,” Koutarou said, looking at Ota. Now that he was looking, the owl looked melancholy, like he was longing for his old life. “Do you think he gets homesick?”

“I don’t think animals have much of a concept of home,” Akaashi said.

“That’s not true!” Koutarou protested. “Birds migrate, so they must know where to return.”

Akaashi looked surprised. “I suppose,” he said after a moment. “But I think it’s just a combination of temperature and perceived threat level.”

“That’s so sad,” Koutarou said. “You’re making me sad, Akaashi. And you’re making Ota sad!”

“I’m sorry,” Akaashi said, smiling. “It’s the truth.”

“You’re never sorry,” Koutarou huffed and started walking again. As soon as Akaashi caught up with him, though, he was already enchanted with another owl, small and tabby-coloured.

They made their way down the alley slowly but surely. Koutarou had to stop and look at every owl, and it didn’t seem like Akaashi minded, because he always stopped too. And he read the plaques, which Koutarou never would’ve done on his own. It made him feel warm, even as he felt stupid for thinking it. Akaashi was just so great, so of course he made every experience better. “I’m glad you came with me,” Koutarou said, fast and a little nervous. “You’ve made today great!”

“We’re not done yet,” Akaashi replied, bemused.

“I know! I’m just saying it now, you know, in case I forget. But hey, I shouldn’t be surprised, right? You always make me better! Uh…”

“Make you better?” Akaashi asked, frowning lightly.

Koutarou looked around desperately for any distractions, or maybe escape routes in case he kept embarrassing himself further. “Y-yeah! Like, uh, like protein shakes! You enhance my power on the court, so of course you make me better at other things too - like going to the zoo - oh, my _God,_ what am I saying?” Koutarou covered his face, groaning loudly. “Forget all that, Akaashi, please!”

“No,” Akaashi said slowly. When Koutarou peeked at him through his fingers, he was beginning to smile, and Koutarou slowly took his hands off his face. “Like a protein shake? That makes no sense, Bokuto-san.”

Koutarou reddened and grinned back hesitantly. “It was the only thing I could think of,” he said. “Or a magnifying glass.”

“What? You’re so weird.” Akaashi started to laugh, and Koutarou laughed too, shifting his weight.

“I know! I’m sorry.”

Akaashi snorted with laughter and shook his head, smiling warmly. “Don’t be,” he said. “I like it.”

“Haha,” Koutarou said, before he realised Akaashi wasn’t joking - and then all the blood in his body went to his face and he almost fell over, grabbing the safety railing in front of an owl cage to keep himself upright.

“This is a little owl,” Akaashi said, stopping by the next cage. “It’s cute.”

“Ah - yeah,” Koutarou said, looking at it. “She’s pretty.”

“Why do you call them she?” Akaashi asked, looking over at him.

“Huh?”

“The owls,” Akaashi clarified. “You call them she.”

“Well, of course, ‘cause they’re so beautiful,” Koutarou replied, confused. “Don’t you think they look like goddesses?”

Akaashi laughed. “Not really,” he said after a pause. “They’re just birds.”

“You have no respect, ‘Kaashi,” Koutarou said, thinking intently, _please let me make you laugh until the end of time._ “They’re majestic. The way they fly ‘n all, completely silent, it’s amazing. Don’t you think?”

“Hm,” Akaashi said, gazing at the owl in the cage.

“And they’re our school mascot,” Koutarou continued. “They’re wise and kind and awesome!”

“I don’t know if they’re kind,” Akaashi replied. He was still looking at the owl. “And they won’t be your school mascot for long.”

Koutarou frowned, shoulders rising. “That’s mean,” he said lowly. “I don’t wanna think about that now.”

“Why not?” Finally Akaashi turned his head, dark eyes unreadable as they met Koutarou’s. “Aren’t you excited to move on?”

 _“No,”_ Koutarou said sharply. “I don’t want to talk about that, Akaashi! I told you!”

For a moment, Akaashi looked like he was going to argue, but then he sighed instead. “Okay.”

“No - what? No, now you look sad, why are you sad? Do _you_ wanna talk about it?”

“Shouldn’t we?” Akaashi asked.

“I don’t think so! I don’t think we should talk about anything that makes you sad!”

Akaashi exhaled again: His eyes were downcast, and his shoulders were slumped, and it wasn’t _right,_ Akaashi shouldn’t look like that. Ever. Not if Koutarou could help it. “Bokuto-san -”

“Let’s just have a good time,” Koutarou said, moving closer. “And talk about things that make us happy. Okay?”

Akaashi looked up, giving him a weak smile. “Okay.”

Koutarou smiled back, relieved. “Do you wanna go and look at the falcons? They’re not as cool, but they’re still pretty… um, pretty cool.”

“You’ve had enough of the owls, Bokuto-san?” Akaashi asked, walking with him to the next alley of big, tall cages.

“Never!” he said loudly, offended. “But we have to see everything before it closes, right?”

Akaashi looked amused. “It’s two in the afternoon,” he said. “We still have all day.”

Koutarou smiled brightly. “That’s true, isn’t it? That’s cool. I like spending time with you.” He bumped their shoulders together, suddenly nervous that Akaashi would disagree. His throat felt tight. Akaashi kept letting him say things he wasn’t supposed to say, things he was meant to keep inside indefinitely.

“I like spending time with you too,” Akaashi said, shielding his eyes from the sun again. He wasn’t moving away. “Thank you for bringing me here, Bokuto-san.”

“Eh!” Koutarou grinned so hard that his cheeks hurt. “Really? I mean - I’m glad! I love the zoo. Animals are the best.”

“They’re nice,” Akaashi allowed. “Should we find somewhere to eat?”

“Oh, yeah! Food! Sometimes when I’m having fun, I forget about food,” Koutarou said, distantly aware that he was babbling again. “My mom used to have to remind me all the time, but sports kinda helped. ‘Cause if you don’t eat, you faint! Or at least I do. But not anymore!”

“You used to faint?” Akaashi asked, worry furrowing his brows. “Bokuto-san…”

“Just in first year!” Koutarou reassured him. “And only a couple of times, at training camps and stuff. But then Akaashi joined the team, and he’s real good at keeping me in line!”

“Hm,” Akaashi said, still looking unhappy.

“And - and I know better now,” Koutarou continued hastily. “I can take care of myself.”

“I’ll be mailing you,” Akaashi said. “To make sure you eat.”

“Don’t do that,” Koutarou said, even if he was smiling widely, his cheeks aching again. “Don’t waste your energy on me! Besides, you’ll have more than enough to do when you become captain.”

“Not much more than I do now, I don’t think,” Akaashi said dryly. Koutarou laughed.

“Maybe not… but you’ll have a bunch of new first years to look after, too.”

Akaashi fell quiet, looking at the cages they passed on their way to a food stall.

“You’ll do a really good job,” Koutarou said. “I’m sure of it.”

“Thank you,” Akaashi said quietly. “You didn’t want to talk about this. That’s what you said.”

“I - no - I just want you to know that it’s going to go really well. Hell, it’s probably going to go even better once I’m gone, eh?” Koutarou joked weakly.

Akaashi turned to him, brows drawn together. “Don’t say that,” he said, sounding so angry that Koutarou recoiled. “It’s not fair.”

“What’s unfair about it?” Koutarou replied, after taking a moment to regain his balance.

“Because it’s not true! And it couldn’t be!” Akaashi looked for a moment as if he would lash out, but instead he turned away, shoulders tight. “You’re an invaluable resource to the team. It won’t be the same without you.”

“Akaashi… I’m sorry,” Koutarou said lamely. He opened his mouth to speak again, but for once nothing came out.

“Let’s just go find somewhere to eat,” Akaashi said tiredly. “Please.”

“Okay.” They walked in silence. Koutarou wanted to apologise again, but he was scared that that would just make things worse. He didn’t really understand why Akaashi was so upset - Koutarou rarely saw him like that, unless they’d just lost an important match. “What do you want?”

“Hm?”

“To eat,” Koutarou clarified, even though a hundred other things were at the tip of his tongue. What did Akaashi want him to say? Was there anything he could do?

Had he already screwed up his one chance so spectacularly that he was never going to get another - nevermind, show’s over, might as well go home?

“Anything is fine,” Akaashi said. He sounded disinterested.

Koutarou swallowed. “Okay,” he said. “Hey! There’s a good, uh - that over there looks delicious, let’s go there!” He moved over to a stall that sold yakitori, making sure Akaashi followed him, and stood in line. “Isn’t it kinda weird to sell meat in a zoo? It’s like, eat the animals, watch the animals, you know? Seems kinda cruel!”

“Mm,” Akaashi said. “Most of the animals here are carnivorous, though.”

“Carni-- right, right, eats meat,” Koutarou nodded. He paid for two servings of yakitori, giving one to Akaashi, and he was very careful not to let their hands touch. “But it’s still weird! How do we decide if an animal is one we wanna eat or look at?”

“I don’t know,” Akaashi said. “Appearance? Rarity? Exoticness? This is a morbid topic, Bokuto-san.”

“Oh - yeah,” Koutarou said. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

They ate their yakitori in silence.

“We didn’t really look at the other birds,” Koutarou said when he was finished. “Do you want to go back and have another look? I think our passes are valid for the whole day, so…”

“I don’t mind,” Akaashi said.

Koutarou frowned. “That’s not true! You always have an opinion.”

Akaashi shrugged, looking away. Koutarou watched him quietly, head cocked, and then cleared his throat.

“Okay! Back to the centre!” Without making sure Akaashi was following, he turned on his heel and started to walk back to where the signs pointed towards the birds of prey.

*

Koutarou slowly realised that Akaashi was sulking. It wasn’t anything he’d really seen before. He had seen Akaashi mad, but not _childish,_ and that’s what it felt like now.

“Are you okay?” Koutarou asked.

“I’m fine,” Akaashi huffed. Koutarou started to grin. “What… why are you looking at me like that?”

“‘Cause you’re funny, Akaashi,” Koutarou said, grin growing brighter. “I like you!”

Akaashi’s face went through a lot of complicated emotions, most of which Koutarou couldn’t follow.

“You’re just like I was when I was your age,” Koutarou continued gleefully. “So moody!”

“I’m nothing like you,” Akaashi said. Koutarou couldn’t tell if he was just imagining it, or if there truly was a smile hiding in the crook of Akaashi’s lips.

“Ah, my young prodigy,” Koutarou exclaimed dramatically, wrapping an arm around Akaashi’s shoulders to pull him close while gesturing at the expanse of the zoo. “You are yet blind, but soon you will see!”

“It’s protégé, not prodigy,” Akaashi corrected him. He was definitely smiling now, even if he was trying very hard to look like he wasn’t.

“Same difference,” Koutarou replied, unconcerned. “Anyway, I’m sorry for making you upset.”

“It’s okay,” Akaashi replied after a moment. “You shouldn’t downplay your significance to the team, Bokuto-san. We wouldn’t be where we are without you.”

“Not you either, though!” Koutarou protested. “You know I would’ve been a horrible captain without you.”

Akaashi hummed. “Maybe,” he said, and then, a little clumsily, “where are the falcons?” Koutarou grabbed the change of topic with both hands, eagerly leading them to the alley for the falcons.

As they walked through and watched the different falcons on display, the ball of tension in Koutarou’s chest started to ease. It seemed like he hadn’t screwed it up beyond repair, or Akaashi was giving him an unprecedented second - possibly third? - chance. And despite it all, Koutarou was having a really good time with Akaashi, even if he was being awkward and weird about it. Before today, he’d never really spent time with Akaashi outside of school or volleyball. Occasionally, they would get the train together, but Koutarou had to change after two stops, and it took longer than his usual route home from school. And it was weird - even though, as they were chatting easily now, they often mentioned people from the team and other stuff like that, but there was no pressure to discuss this, or do that. It was scary to have Akaashi’s attention without any obligations, but it was also really, really good.

 _Almost addictive,_ Koutarou thought to himself.

“Owls are still the best,” he concluded after they’d finished looking at all the other birds of prey living in the centre. “We’re so lucky to have it as our mascot!”

“I liked the eagle,” Akaashi said. “It was like the kind you see on American posters.”

Koutarou scoffed. “Eagles suck,” he said. “And it looks so stupid from the front.”

“So do you,” Akaashi replied immediately, making Koutarou squawk in indignation.

“I do not! I look great!”

Akaashi took a look at his face and started laughing, shielding his mouth with his hand to contain it.

 _“Akaashi,”_ Koutarou whined, “why are you laughing at me? That’s so mean of you, you’re going to ruin my confidence!”

“That’s impossible,” Akaashi told him, grinning. “You’re ego is way too large, Bokuto-san--”

“You really should smile more often,” Koutarou blurted out, interrupting him, “it looks so good on you.”

Akaashi stopped mid-movement, staring at him.

“Wait - _wait!”_ Koutarou jumped, belatedly reacting to his own words. “Oh - that’s inappropriate, isn’t it? I’m sorry, Akaashi! I’m really sorry, I won’t do it again -”

“Bokuto-san,” Akaashi said. He looked weary, all the humour gone from his face. “I think I have to go home.”

“What!” Koutarou cried. “No, why, because of that? I’m sorry, Akaashi, I really didn’t mean to make it weird -”

“It’s not that,” Akaashi said unconvincingly. “I just… remembered some homework that I have for Monday, Bokuto-san.”

“Oh,” Koutarou said. Even to his own ears, he sounded crestfallen, and it made him wince - he had to look so pathetic to Akaashi. Akaashi, who of course had better things to do on a Sunday than look at animals with his stupid, inappropriate senpai. Of course.

“Thank you for having me,” Akaashi said, a little stilted. “I had a good time.”

“Okay,” Koutarou said. It was only four - he’d found a specialty waffle place he thought they could go to after the zoo. He’d never been, but it had four and a half stars on Google Maps, and it was on Akaashi’s way home. “Do you wanna walk out together?”

“I’ll find my own way,” Akaashi said.

“Okay,” Koutarou said again. It felt, just a little, like the world was ending.

“Again, thank you for today,” Akaashi said. “I’ll see you at the farewell ceremony.”

“Okay,” said Koutarou for the third time, and like a spell, it made Akaashi disappear.

Koutarou turned and watched Ota, the first owl they’d seen. This time, his eyes seemed even sadder than before.

*

It was a long subway ride home.

Koutarou kept remembering stupid animal facts that he’d memorised to impress Akaashi, like how gorillas could learn sign language or the fact that you could tell what time of day an owl hunted by the colour of her eyes. But all that was useless now, just as useless as him, a sad sack of meat squished against other sacks of meat in a cramped subway car.

He wasn’t looking forward to going home at all. His parents adored Akaashi, and his mother had been so pleased to hear that they were going to spend more time together, even if she had no idea of the filthy things Koutarou dreamed of. She’d be so disappointed to hear that it hadn’t gone well, and he wouldn’t be able to hide it from her either. She’d always been able to read him like a book. Kind of like Akaashi, Koutarou thought to himself, and sighed heavily.

When he got off the subway, he made sure to take the long way home, the walk that winded through the whole neighbourhood before it got to his house. He didn’t want to think, but at the moment, thoughts were all he had. Thoughts that weren’t helping and feelings that made him want to scoop out everything inside him, spill it all onto the street so he could get rid of it.

He was being overdramatic, he knew. Small things shouldn’t affect him like this, and now he was only making himself feel worse, but he felt helpless not to. So what if Akaashi didn’t want to spend time with him? It wasn’t the end of the world. But it _was_ the end of the year, and when he graduated he’d never see Akaashi again, except maybe for reunions in ten years’ time.

Koutarou sat down on the curb of the sidewalk, breathing deeply. He was almost home, surrounded by houses that looked like his but weren’t. He wished he could be like that - look like a Koutarou, but not be one. Maybe fake Koutarou would get to stay at Fukurodani for another year, somehow. Maybe fake Koutarou would have enough time to win Akaashi over, and fake Koutarou would get to kiss Akaashi, and hold his hands, and do all of the things that the real Koutarou was never going to do.

Koutarou checked his phone. No notifications; the time was just past five in the evening. He’d wasted enough time sitting outside feeling sorry for himself, and his nose was starting to go numb. Despite the sun, it was still early spring, and the cold was creeping in through the pavement he was sitting on.

 _Okay,_ he told himself sternly. _Time to stop sulking._ He stood up slowly and started on the few hundred meters until he was standing on his own doorstep.

“Get out of your head,” Koutarou said, because maybe it would be more effective if he said it out loud. But it still didn’t help very much, so instead he looked at the trees he walked past. A little bird family was nesting in one of them, recently returned from warmer climates. _Birds do have homes,_ Koutarou thought. Suddenly he was sad that Akaashi couldn’t see that, that Akaashi lived a grey life where animals were just things driven by base need.

Koutarou wasn’t good at much, but he’d hoped that, at the very least, he could brighten Akaashi’s view and bring some colour to his world. But instead he just made him upset, because Koutarou couldn’t do anything right, and Akaashi deserved better than him anyway. A loser who thought about bird families and got upset over owls could never be with someone like Akaashi. Maybe fake Koutarou would have been good enough, but Koutarou doubted that too.

He arrived at his own house without fanfare. He unlocked the door quietly, hoping that he could make a quick escape to his room without having to talk much, but no such luck - his mother was waiting just inside the hall, and she brightened as soon as she saw him. “Koutarou!”

“I'm home,” he told her, as if she couldn't already tell.

“About time,” she said, still smiling. “That nice boy is here waiting for you. He said you lost each other in the zoo, so he came here! What did I tell you about going out without your phone fully charged? I swear, one day it's not going to end well, and you'll say, gosh, if I'd only listened to my mother!”

“I'm sorry,” he said. Then - “wait, what? Akaashi is here?”

She nodded. “He's in the kitchen.”

“Holy h-- _eck,”_ Koutarou said, taking his shoes and jacket off in a rush and stumbling towards the kitchen. “Akaashi! Akaashi?”

When he got into the room, Akaashi was sitting by the kitchen table, back straight and posture perfect. “Hello, Bokuto-san,” he said. “I couldn't reach you.”

 _You didn't even try,_ Koutarou thought, but his mind was going a mile a minute, and he had no idea what was going on. From behind him, his mother clapped her hands.

“You must be hungry, Koutarou, let me make you some curry.”

“Mom…” he turned to her, eyes wide and pleading. “I had a snack on the way home, I promise I can wait until dinner, okay? I'm really not hungry.”

She watched him with narrowed eyes. “Okay,” she said finally. “But don't complain if there's not enough at dinner.”

“Thank you,” he told her, making sure to radiate gratitude as she turned to leave the kitchen. “You're the best mother!”

As soon as she was gone, Akaashi slumped, looking more like the familiar figure Koutarou knew. “Sorry.”

Koutarou sat down on the other side of the table, staring at him. “What the _hell,”_ he hissed, “is going on! Why are you here!”

“I panicked,” Akaashi replied after a pause, looking uncomfortable. “I'm sorry, Bokuto-san. I didn't know where else I would meet you.”

“Why did you want to meet me! You hate me! I hate me!”

“I don't hate you,” Akaashi started, then stopped, his eyes widening as he processed Koutarou’s words. “Bokuto-san… I'm sorry.”

“It's fine,” Koutarou said, shifting. “Just - explain.”

“I wanted…” Akaashi trailed off again. Koutarou had never seen him struggle with words before - usually Akaashi was quick as anything to speak his mind. “I'm sorry for just… leaving. That was rude of me.”

“It's fine,” Koutarou said again, then bit his tongue. If he said it another time, Akaashi might disappear again.

“I don't want… I don't make a habit of investing time and energy into things that won't last.” Akaashi looked at him seriously, eyes scanning his face.

“What does that mean?”

Akaashi inhaled.

“Sorry,” Koutarou rushed to add, “I know I'm slow and dumb, I'm sorry.”

“It's okay,” Akaashi said. He looked, for a moment, as if he would reach out across the table. But he didn't. “It's hard for me to speak plainly about… my feelings for you.”

Koutarou’s heart stopped. For just a moment, but it happened, it went _ba-thump ba-thump ba-_ and then stopped before it started again, _ba-thump ba-thump ba-thump._ His blood was loud in his ears. This was so different than anything he'd imagined, hearing Akaashi admit to liking him. Koutarou had suspected - he had hoped that there was something more behind Akaashi's words and glances, a silent acknowledgement and reciprocation of his own feelings, but now…

It hung in the air like a tangible thing, the weight of Akaashi's confession.

“I love you,” Koutarou said. “Wait - shit, _fuck,_ that's not - no, I mean - I like you, but - God _damn_ -”

While he was busy swearing up a storm, Akaashi started to laugh, soft and hesitant until it got bolder, loud enough to make Koutarou pause. “Bokuto-san,” Akaashi said, looking sad and hopeful and happy all at once, “aren't you mad at me?”

“Yes! No! I - I -” Koutarou stuttered and fell silent, swallowing. He stuck his hand out across the table, and after a moment, Akaashi did the same, reaching until he found Koutarou’s. Their fingers intertwined gently and easily, like a jigsaw puzzle just waiting to be solved. Koutarou stared at their hands.

“I don't want you to forget me,” Akaashi said softly.

“I couldn't,” Koutarou said. “Never in a million years, Akaashi. I still… I - I mean, university is big ‘n I'm gonna be busy, and it might turn me into an asshole, and if that happens then you should definitely leave, but before that - or if that doesn't happen, you know, I'm still going to live here. And be in this city, and - we could meet downtown, I could come over and help you with homework…”

“You wouldn't be of any help,” Akaashi said.

“Well, I could try,” Koutarou said. He lifted his gaze to meet Akaashi's, squeezing his hand. “Let me try.”

“We'll both be so busy,” Akaashi said reluctantly, not letting go of Koutarou’s hand.

“I don't care. ‘Kaashi, you just - you don't care either, or you wouldn't be here…! You know that - that even if we only see each other once a week, even if we're busy and can't do much, it would still… For me, it would be worth it. I promise.”

Akaashi's eyes were very green. Koutarou has never noticed before - he'd never had the opportunity to study them like he did now, searching for an answer.

“Akaashi…”

“Okay,” Akaashi said. “You're right. If I cared, I wouldn't be here.”

“And…?” Koutarou prompted when Akaashi fell silent, looking at him intently.

“And,” Akaashi started, “I think.. I think it's worth it to try.”

 _“Yes,”_ Koutarou exclaimed and, before he fully realised it himself, he leaned across the table and kissed Akaashi on the mouth, sweet and chaste, like his parents sometimes did. Except it wasn't his parents at all, it was him and Akaashi - and when he pulled back, his eyes were wide as saucers, blinking uncertainly at Akaashi. “Um - wow, I got.. carried away.. sorry.”

Akaashi was blushing, a subtle red glow spreading over his face. “It's fine,” he said. “You're allowed to get carried away.”

Koutarou laughed, loud and delighted. “I will, believe me!”

“We should coordinate our schedules,” Akaashi said, “for next year. So we know when the other is free.”

“I'm gonna text you all the time,” Koutarou said, grinning widely. “Gonna make your phone go buzz, buzz, buzz, all day! Even in class!”

“Don't text me in class,” Akaashi said, but he was smiling back, cheeks still flushed.

“And we'll video chat every day! We can do homework together!”

“I don't know if my laptop has a web camera,” Akaashi said.

“I'll buy you one! A graduation present.”

“You're the one who's graduating, Bokuto-san.”

“Exactly! And it will bring me the gift of seeing your face.”

Akaashi started laughing, hiding it behind his hand, and Koutarou grinned even brighter, proud and happy.

“It'll be so good, Akaashi,” he promised, squeezing his hand. “I'll make it worth it, I swear.”

“I know you will,” Akaashi said softly. His hand had lowered again, and Koutarou could so clearly see the fond expression on his face, and it still felt unreal that Akaashi was looking at _him_ like that, that Akaashi was looking at him like _that,_ that _Akaashi_ \- Koutarou never imagined he could make anyone feel like that, nevermind Akaashi, who was possibly the best person in the world.

He squeezed Akaashi's hand again.

“You're quiet,” Akaashi said after a long pause. “Are you okay?”

Koutarou nodded vigorously. “You make me speechless,” he said, and only when Akaashi blushed brightly did he realise how cliché and stupid that sounded - he opened his mouth to apologise, but Akaashi beat him too it.

“You too,” he said, smiling. “Even though you're a bit of a mess, Bokuto-san.”

 _“What!”_ Koutarou feigned offense only long enough to make Akaashi laugh again, and then his mask broke immediately, grinning brightly back.

“Koutarou!” his mom called, and the door opened - Koutarou dropped Akaashi's hand in a flash, tucking his own guiltily under his thighs, but his foot was still pressed against Akaashi's under the table. “It's getting late - Akaashi-kun, are you staying for dinner?”

“Oh, no,” Akaashi said, standing up. He was still smiling faintly, although Koutarou didn't know if it was noticeable to people who didn't know Akaashi's face as well as he did. “I have to get home, I'm sorry. But thank you so much for the offer, Bokuto-san.” He bowed slightly and Bokuto's mom laughed, charmed.

“It's no bother,” she said. “I know how much you boys need to eat!”

“Maybe Akaashi can come over for dinner next week?” Koutarou suggested quickly. “We have - stuff. To do.”

“That would be very nice,” his mom said genially. Akaashi looked surprised, but pleased, and nodded ever so slightly in the direction of the door.

“Oh, right! I'll follow you out.” Koutarou got up, letting Akaashi say goodbye to his mother before they both stepped out into the hall. “So…”

“So,” Akaashi said, lips quirked. “I'll see you next week, Bokuto-san.”

Koutarou nodded. He was jittery with excitement, and he knew Akaashi could tell, but he didn't care. Akaashi was safe. “Can I text you?”

“Yes,” Akaashi said. “At reasonable times.”

“Right, right,” Koutarou said, grinning. “Not in class.”

“No. Or after eleven.”

“Makes sense. Sleep.”

“Yes.”

Koutarou looked at Akaashi's eyes and the curve of his cheek.

“I should go,” Akaashi said.

“Okay.”

Neither of them moved. Koutarou studied the lobe of Akaashi's ear where it peeked out under his hair, which was getting long and curly. He kinda wanted to kiss it, but that would be weird. He'd only kissed Akaashi once on the lips, and he should definitely do that more before he started kissing him other places. “We're having lunch together tomorrow?” Akaashi asked.

“Of course,” Koutarou said, smiling.

“Good.” Akaashi shifted his weight, then sighed and straightened. “Goodbye, Bokuto-san. I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Goodbye,” Koutarou said, and only then did he move his gaze to meet Akaashi's again, green and warm and just lovely. “I'm gonna text you! As soon as you leave.”

“Good,” Akaashi said firmly, and then he darted forward and kissed Koutarou on the cheek before turning on his heel and heading out of the house, the door closing gently behind him. Koutarou stared after him, baffled, a wide grin slowly spreading over his face.

“Did you agree on which day he's coming over?” his mom asked, coming up by his side. By her tone, Koutarou judged that she hadn't seen the farewell kiss.

“No, I forgot,” Koutarou replied. He was still looking at the door.

His mother clicked her tongue.

“I - ah, I'll go up and mail him right away!” Koutarou started to run up the stairs, distantly hearing his mother behind him.

“Don't forget, dinner will be ready soon!”

“Yes, mom, thanks, mom!” Koutarou shouted happily in return, and threw himself on his bed while pulling out his phone to send Akaashi five, ten, maybe _fifteen_ messages. He could send as many as he wanted now! He could send Akaashi messages about how he felt, what he was up to, what Akaashi made him feel like. There was no limit to what he could do, and the happy jittery feelings from earlier spread from his chest all throughout his body as he thought of what to type. There was so much he wanted to say, and now he'd get to say it all, and he was so happy that he didn't even know where to _start_ \- but he knew that things had changed.

Now, it didn't matter so much what the future held. Whether university would be good or bad, it didn't matter so much, because he would be able to tell Akaashi about it, and even the worst experience would be better by sharing it with Akaashi.

It only made sense. Akaashi had always made things better, and now Koutarou knew he would continue to make things better, make _Koutarou_ better, until he was unstoppable and awesome and everything he wanted to be. And likewise, too.

In the end, that's what he settled for, the first email sent to Akaashi as boyfriends, maybe - or at least _somethings_ , not just teammates.

 

 **To:** Akaashi Keiji

 **RE:** The future

THIS IS GOING 2 BE SO AWESOME!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> i'm tivruskis at [tumblr](http://tivruskis.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://twitter.com/tivruskis)


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